Top 10 Suggestions for Dr’s

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I am writing this post sitting at the Dr.’s office waiting for my wife to get an epidural shot for her back pains. I have to say this office is the most stale office I’ve been in a while. It is a “Pain Management” center. After sitting here long enough I think I will need some pain therapy of my own.

I have to say as I am waiting, I have nothing to do. Luckily I have a Sprint EVDO car in my laptop enabling me to have mobile broadband. (Sprint if you’re reading, you should give me some credit on my bill for this free plug). So I sit here writing this blog entry about my experience.

My Top 10 suggestions as I sit observing in your waiting room:

1. Give me some distractions. It is freaking boring when you’re waiting. It can also be stressful. Give me wireless internet or an internet station. Computers are so cheap these days. Much cheaper than the $200/sq ft you pay to rent your office space or the $100K you pay each year in malpractice insurance. It will keep me quiet and distracted from the wallet rape I will encounter over the next hour when I pay my bill. I’ll probably be groggy and weak. What a great time to ask me to pull out my checkbook. Anywhere else and you’d think it was a well-plotted scam.

2. Paint your walls a color other than sanitarium white. I’ve grown up and gone through the usual institutional suspects - grade school, college, hospitals, etc. Give me some color. Hire an interior decorator and do something pleasant for me while I wait.

3. Give me a couch. I don’t necessarily want to sit in an arm chair. It almost makes me feel like a number. I’m not a lego block. Sometimes I want to be a little more relaxed. Hell I want to be more relaxed than what I’m feeling now as Lego #5 by my estimation.

4. Get some good magazines. I don’t want to read what you read necessarily. Go look at the magazine section sometime at Borders or Barnes & Noble. See that? There is more to magazines than Sports Illustrated, Golf Digest, and Time. Surprisingly this office has no business magazines which probably would have satiated my magazine appetite. I guess its no surprise as Dr’s are famous for their inadequate business sense.

5. Offer some coffee or something in your office or at least a water fountain. By my estimation the 3 cups of coffee I drink while in your office probably will cost you no more than $1.00 assuming you use a coffee service to maintain it for you. Now take the $35 copay I just paid you + $240 of uncovered charges for a total of $275 and that doesn’t include the $600 or so that my insurance company will pay you. I don’t think its too much to ask for a $1 worth of comfort.

6. Do have some soothing music. Your office has no music, no good magazines, no charm. I don’t want my senses to be numbed just yet. The shot will do that.

7. Start on time. With all the modern technology, how come you guys don’t have a rough idea of how long things take? We as patients meticulously take time off work so that we can get to your office a little early just to make sure we’re on time. The reality is we rush over here to sign in on a piece of paper and wait 30mins to an hour. Why is my time worthless, but your time so valuable that I have to throw away time whilst your receptionist gives me evil eye if I’m 10 mins late. “ummm your appointment was at 3:45. I’ll have to see what I cand do (as the receptionist thinks LOSER in her head).”

8. Give me options. Explain to me what the hell is happening. Don’t assume I just want a pill or a quick fix. Tell me I can excercise. Tell me to eat fruit. Trust me, even if we’re all healthier for it we’ll still come to you guys. I know some of you will IF I ASK what my options are. Why don’t you just tell me? Some of you on the otherhand will look dumbfounded if asked. I can hear the dialogue in your head Mr.Dr. - “I told you take 2 of these red pills a day. I’m not here to be your advisor. My drug rep doesn’t give me free pens so I can tell you not to take medication.”

9. Scare me. Tell me what could happen if I don’t show up for my follow up. Don’t tell me its normal. I don’t want to hear “Alot of people get heart-attacks at your age.” No. Tell me “Wake up or you will die if you don’t heed this advice.” I promise I will try not to have a heart attack when you are honest with me. If I do, I think I’ll take some of those pills now.

10. I can’t think of one. This stale environment is making me sleepy. You really need to get working on that coffee. If you put a donation can I may even pitch in some loose change.

Luckily, I brought my laptop to the Dr’s office.  I was able to distract myself (mostly) from the sterility.  When I left home I thought I was being silly for bringing my laptop.  Damn I’m good.  Best move ever.

So Dr. if you’re reading, I’m available to help you fix these problems. Admission of a problem is step 1. I think I saw that in an AA phamplet at another Dr’s office. What an AA phamplet was doing in an obstetrician’s office is beyond me. I guess kids can lead you to that. My hourly rates are more than the Geek Squad, but less than your malpractice insurance.

I’m a great investment when I’ve had my coffee.